Anchovies

Fuck you if you're not eating them.

No anchovies, please.

- The J. Geils Band

Let me tell you something, stupid. When it comes to pizza, you can keep your crumbled sausage and roasted peppers and pineapple/ham monstrosity. You can even keep your goddamned pepperoni. If I had to choose one, and only one, pizza topping to eat for the rest of my life, it would be the anchovy.  The anchovy is, hands down, the finest way known to man to furnish a pizza. And yet, for some inexplicable reason, they’re a pizza punchline.

What the hell did anchovies ever do to you, other than sit there on your pizza tasting fucking delicious? Salty and savory, those humble little swimmers are the perfect accompaniment to a red sauce. So why do they get so little respect? Why did America turn its back on the anchovy?

I grew up in New Jersey, which is basically East Italy. Even there, in the heart of goombah country, nobody ordered anchovies on their pizzas. Maybe they were engaged in some sort of culinary self-abnegation. Maybe they forget their heritage. Maybe they were still mad at Mussolini. I have no idea. But do you think it’s a coincidence that I fled that hell state as soon as I was able? It was not.

At the moment, I’m living in Italy and have become intimately acquainted with the pizza napoletana, which is nothing but tomato sauce, mozzarella, and anchovies. And it is the best goddamned pizza in the world. I eat ten of them a day.

“But you’re in Italy, Michael. All the pizzas are good in Italy.”

Don’t even give me that shit. You don’t think I order anchovies on pizza back in the US of A? Hell yes I do. After years of ignorant pepperoni consumption, the anchovy is now my go-to topping wherever, whenever. Here’s how you know anchovies are delicious: Dominos does not carry them.

Dominos is garbage and they make garbage pizza. For example, you can get Philly cheesesteak at Dominos. You can also get honey barbecue sauce at Dominos. If you wanted, you could probably combine Philly cheesesteak with honey barbecue sauce at Dominos. Nobody’s going to stop you. Why should they? Garbage recognizes garbage. Who are you going to trust? The people who gave you this?

Or this?

And it’s not just that they’re delicious. They’re also healthy. Rich in Omega-3 fatty acids, they unclog your arteries for the mozzarella that’s trying to kill you. It’s like Liquid Drano for your heart.  

In fact, those miraculous little fish might even help prevent cancer. According to Healthline, “Omega-3’s anti-inflammatory effect and selenium’s antioxidant properties may play a role in fighting different types of cancer by preventing the growth and spread of tumors.” Can pepperoni do that? No. Suck it, pepperoni.

Yeah, I’m a little amped up on this topic. Because nobody else is standing up for the greatest pizza topping ever created. All those salted meats so popular among the ignoramuses of the world are supported by big companies like Hormel and Pepperoni, Inc, which I just made up. Well, who’s standing up for anchovies? Who’s out there promoting those dumb fish? Nobody. There’s no Anchovy Council. There’s no Anchovy Lobby. Yes, there’s the WGANC (Working Group on Anchovy), but they’re a European Union bureaucratic agency concerned with how many anchovies can be safely caught each year. They’re not out there lobbying Pizza Hut to start stuffing their crusts with their anchovies. Hell yeah, I’m amped. Somebody has to be.

Do yourself a favor. The next time you order a pizza, throw some anchovies on there. See if I’m not right. If I am, you’re welcome. If I’m wrong, you can send me the receipt and I will refund you the full cost of the pizza! Am I worried about suddenly being deluged with people demanding their money back? I am not. Because anchovies are delicious and also because I have no intention of paying you back, stupid.