Happy Coronation Chicken Day Everybody
I don't get it.
Well, they’re coronating a new king over in England today and, frankly, I don’t get it. Maybe I’m not supposed to get it. After all, our nation was founded on the premise that the King can go fuck himself, so maybe it’s not meant for me. There’s probably plenty of stuff about America that they don’t get, like baseball and the McRib.
(Pictured above, America)
The Brits themselves are at least a little ambivalent about the monarchy. A couple polls I read put support for the monarchy at anywhere from 55%-68%. A majority, yes, but hardly overwhelming. I mean, 80% of Brits eat fish and chips at least once a week so it’s not like they can’t agree on stuff.
The usual argument against the royal family is that they’re a group of pampered, out-of-touch, state-sponsored billionaires who don’t do much more than wave at crowds and occasionally tap somebody on the shoulder with a sword. They don’t seem to do much of anything. But I suspect that’s not really what it’s all about. Instead, I would guess that the British Royal Family is meant to symbolize something great and enduring about the British people. The problem is, what exactly do they symbolize?
Do they represent the best of England? Because, I mean, Prince Andrew? Are they meant to be a stabilizing force in a topsy-turvy world. If so, what about the Prince Harry saga of the last few years has been stabilizing? Is it that when they show up somewhere, it’s as if the whole of the United Kingdom has shown up? Would you want one of those goofy stiffs at your bar mitzvah? Nothing throws off the vibe of a good time like a dude with a scepter.
If I had to guess, I think it’s about something deeper than all of that. The Royals, for all their faults and foibles, are the living embodiment of capital “T” Tradition. We’re still a young country over here in the States. Our oldest traditions only go back a few hundred years and mostly involve giving smallpox to people. Their first king goes all the way back to the tenth century; for theater majors like myself, that’s a long time ago. But the nation was only a true monarchy for seven hundred years or so. The English Civil War ended with the execution of the king in 1649, and the Commonwealth of England was born. Since then their power has dwindled to almost nothing. Yet, for some reason, the royal family persists. It would be like if the Romans still had a ceremonial Caesar who shook hands at the local gelateria from time to time.
Yet tradition is a tenacious thing. Once established, it’s very hard to dislodge, probably for good reason. Traditions bind us to our pasts and to each other. England has had a great and glorious history and I guess it makes some sense to me that the Royals are a kind of living embodiment of that history, even the parts that make you go, “ew.” The problem with tradition, however, is that things that bind can easily become things that suffocate. When any of us become too enraptured with the past, we can lose the way forward. Have there been any moments of true greatness from the Royals over the last couple hundred years? Moments that transcended the past and shoved the UK into the future? If there are, I’m unaware of them. Churchill is the greatest Brit in recent memory. Followed, of course, by The Spice Girls. But what do we remember the Royal Family for these days, other than for being the Royal Family? What has any of them actually contributed to the betterment of the world – or even of Great Britain? That isn’t a rhetorical question, by the way. Maybe one of them invented a new kind of potato chip or something. I just don’t know.
As Charles kisses the Stone of Destiny I hope the nation and all of her franchise nations enjoy themselves and eat plenty of Coronation Chicken on their Big Day. I hope the whole thing is a smashing success, by whatever metric you use to measure the success of coronations. I hope the Brits get piss drunk and raise their pints to the new King of England and celebrate long into the night. But in the harsh light of morning, the question will remain: after all of that, what is the point? I’m sure there is one. I just don’t get it.
