I'm Going Full MAGA

Why am I banging my head against the wall day after day trying to get people to pay attention to the wholesale destruction of America? Why am I wasting my time? At a certain point, it just makes sense to go full MAGA. I’ve got everything required. I’m a straight white man. I make more money than most Americans. I’m the right demo – my Gen X cohorts voted Trump more than any other age group. Admittedly, I don’t pay much attention to Joe Rogan but I was a big fan of NewsRadio, which must count for something. And yes, I grew up in a lesbian household, but so did JD Vance! (I don’t think this is factual, but I’m trying to develop a looser relationship with the truth as part of my conversion.)

What’s so wrong about wanting America to be great, anyway? What’s wrong with cutting waste, fraud, and abuse? What do I get by supporting Ukraine and advocating for a peaceful two-state solution between Israelis and Palestinians? Why should I care about those less fortunate than myself when they can offer me nothing in return? Especially because I could make so much bank simply by donning the red hat.

Ben Shapiro’s company would probably hire me as a liberal convert, the true believer who turned away from the light and towards the darkness. Hm. Maybe I need to reframe that. What about, “The true believer who turned from the darkness of liberalism and towards the golden light of whatever nonsensical political philosophy they pretend to follow.” Again, I’m struggling here but that’s just my residual “compassion” speaking. Gotta get rid of that toot suite.

Lookin’ handsome, Handsome!

I also need to work on my racism a little bit. That shouldn’t be too hard. After all, I’m an American. Racism is kind of what we do. Plus, I’m on a TV show with two Black people who are funnier than me; I could use that fact as a resentment springboard. What’s CNN doing hiring funny minorities when they could hire more people like me and Scott Jennings? I’m getting steamed just thinking about it!

And why am I paying so much in taxes, anyway? So “hungry people” can “have something to eat”? So “roads” can get “built”? So people can have “access to healthcare”??? I’ve got good healthcare coverage through my union, so why am I paying for layabouts to go to the ER every time they have a runny nose? Most of them probably don’t work as hard as I do on my TV show which requires upwards of THREE HOURS A WEEK OF MY TIME!!!

Hm. As I re-read the above paragraph, I noticed an unfortunate problem, which is that I get my healthcare coverage through my union, but as a proud MAGA member, I oppose unions. Hm. Might have to mull on this for a moment. Maybe the problem is that I need to embrace my hypocrisy rather than running from it. Something along the lines of, “Hey I EARNED that healthcare coverage by telling jokes and receiving RESIDUAL CHECKS!”

I’m not sure that sounds much better because it sort of implies that telling jokes and cashing checks is a more deserving profession than all of the people out there working two or three non-union jobs just to earn enough to support their families. Well, most of those people are probably here illegally, anyway! NOT MY PROBLEM!!!

I’m feeling better already. And I’m feeling pretty good about cutting off all foreign aid. And I’m feeling pretty good about all those useless government workers getting rich off my tax dollars – tax dollars, I might add, that I may choose not to pay because the IRS is being gutted and I don’t think they’re going to focus their attention on full-blown MAGA dudes like me. With all that extra dough in my pocket, I’m going to buy a boat. I’m going to fly a Trump flag on it, I’m going to join a MAGA boat parade and pray that an orca doesn’t capsize me.

Does Tesla make a cyberboat?

Also, the amount of tail I’m going to get is going to be off the charts. Will it be consensual? Who cares. Consent is woke. Birth control is woke. Monogamy is woke. And if I knock up a couple biological females (I’m going to have my assistant perform a genital check before any hanky-panky takes place), that’s for them to figure out. Now look, if some of those females turn out to be biological males, I’ll still have amazing sex with them, of course, but I’ll lie about it. Afterwards, I will do everything in my power to make life as difficult for them as possible because that’s just how we MAGA dudes roll.

I feel great about this. Why did I wait so long to abandon my principles, ethics, and conscience when principles, ethics, and consciences don’t supply singles for the strip club? Why am I bothering trying to do the right thing when life is a zero sum game? There is no right thing. There’s only power and its exercise. There’s only getting mine while the getting’s good. And right now, for straight white dudes of a certain income level, the getting is very good. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a shell company to register in Dubai. And if you don’t like it, I don’t care. Which is all you have to do to go full MAGA. Just stop caring.