In the Megamansion of God

She opened fire at a megachurch, which sounds like a Tom Waits lyric. But no, it’s just another headline in these here United States. Yesterday, the woman entered Lakewood Church in Houston, best known for shutting its doors to the needy during a flood. Accompanying the woman was a four or five-year-old child. When she began shooting, two off-duty police officers returned fire and, somewhere along the way, the boy was critically shot. The woman was killed. One other victim received a minor injury.

The story is notable not for the fact that a woman opened fire in a public space, which is a common occurrence in these United States. It’s the tie to the megawealthy megapastor of said megachurch, Joel Osteen. You’ve probably seen photos of Osteen’s home. If not, here it is:

Mega

Maybe it’s uncharitable to criticize Osteen during this time of tragedy, but being uncharitable is what Osteen is all about. According to this 2018 Financial Times article, Osteen’s church took in almost 90 million dollars in 2017, spending 1.2 million on charity, less than one percent of its revenue. Most of the money went to television time, which is used to raise more money.

Osteen preaches a gospel of prosperity, which teaches that material abundance is God’s reward. In other words, your wealth is a sign or your morality. The more cars you have, therefore, the more godly you must be. It’s a neat trick, treating money like a scorecard for morality, a little like tying guns to the American flag. What does one have to do with the other? To some, very little. To some, everything.

Never mind that a quick look at our wealthiest citizens tells us that their godliness feels, at best, questionable. Jeffrey Epstein, for example, was a wealthy man. So is Epstein’s former friend, the current Republican frontrunner for the presidency, who, himself, grew up in the church of Norman Vincent Peele, whose ministry served as the forerunner for Osteen and his ilk.

The prosperity gospel is perfect for our shitty society. Osteen removes any artifice from our worship of money. Instead, he holds up the dollar bill and proclaims, “This is what Jesus wants you to have.”

I’m raising, of course, the familiar argument against prosperity gospel. Those of us not in it look at its message of material bounty and shudder at the crassness, but its followers see the message as hopeful. A recent story from the Jesuit publication, America, relates the story of attendee, a manager at Dunkin’ Donuts named Yusef who attended one of Osteen’s “Nights of Hope” at Yankee Stadium. When asked about Osteen’s promises of wealth, Yusef says, “Wealth could be a lot of things,” Yusef said immediately. “It could be material, it could be spiritual: Wealth could be my health, peace of mind, that I can be content and peaceful.” .

Who am I to argue with anything that gives people solace and hope, especially now when their community is dealing with a tragedy? Moreover, Osteen’s got over 40,000 people showing up at his events every week. I’m lucky to sell out a Friday late show at Chucklesluts. Obviously, his message resonates.

I guess the Lakewood shooting pissed me off because our national epidemic of gun violence pisses me off, and because I am inherently suspicious of any large spiritual movement, particularly one that appears to produce so little of value for anybody other than those in its leadership. It pisses me off because Osteen’s smiling, shiny face pisses me off. Why does his prosperity gospel not lift his desperate flock from their penury? If they are all there to receive God’s bounty, why does that bounty seem in such shorty supply for so many? If the message doesn’t appear to work for the congregant, does it not follow that the congregant must be at fault? And, if so, perhaps the solution is to simply dig a little deeper to receive God’s love in return. My guess is, Osteen would have no problem with that conclusion.

And now, blood has been spilled in God’s megamansion, just as it has been in other churches, malls, movie theaters, schools, football games, concerts, etc. Osteen could come out for gun control now but he won’t because he does not take political positions. To do so would alienate his audience. Bad for marketing. He could do a lot of things to make America a better place. It’s not clear to me that he’s doing any of them. Instead, Osteen’s glory of God appears to have a lot to do with the glory of Osteen. He’s the Papa John of piety. He and all the other megachurch mullahs are selling a God of the slot machine: just keep feeding Him quarters and, eventually, He’ll get around to returning the favor. But the old truism remains apt. In Las Vegas, it’s the that house always wins. At Lakewood Church, it’s the house of God.