Look What They Made Him Do

We’re at a weird “look at what you made me do” moment of inflection in the nation’s history. On the one hand, you’ve got federal and state prosecutors put into the queasy position of having to indict a former president. On the other, you’ve got a former president and his pack of merry parasites conspiring to keep those power dollars flowing, a situation they would not have found themselves in if only so many darned lawyers hadn’t gotten themselves so bent out of shape about, of all things, the law.

The expression “laws were made to be broken” was written for exactly occasions such as an election not going the way Trump wanted, and it’s galling that so many outside the former president’s circle don’t seem to get that. It’s not like these patriots wanted to commit crimes, it’s that they were forced into it by corrupt ingrates and saboteurs who almost certainly have committed far worse offenses than anything Trump has been accused of, and which these damned district attorneys and Special Prosecutors would know about if only somebody would listen to Rudy Giuliani.  

The Trump mugshot (or “ugh shot,” as my friend Kim Caramele wrote) is another sad example of an out-of-control prosecutor following standard booking procedures. It’s outrageous that they insisted on taking his photograph and making him post bond as if he were a person charged with 13 counts of racketeering, election interference, and other crimes.

“Why should he have his photo taken?” the argument goes. “He’s one of the most famous people in the world?” It’s true. Not sure why David Bowie, Paul McCartney, Frank Sinatra, OJ Simpson, Justin Bieber, Paris Hilton, Bill Cosby, and Marilyn Monroe didn’t make that same argument. Honestly, why do famous people have their picture taken at all? Everybody already knows what they look like. Both sides are clearly to blame for the excess of celebrity mugshots. Makes me wonder if these out-of-control photographers are in league with the out-of-control prosecutors.

Why did they have to take her picture? Everybody always knows what she looks like!

Which is why I am so proud of the former president for obviously spending a good deal of time practicing his “I’ve been arrested” face. It’s a scornful yet manly pose. It’s the image of a man who knows how to work the lighting in such a way as to best show off each of his 215 pounds. It’s very nearly a “come hither” shot directed at the American judicial system. The seduction appears to have worked because the American judicial system has accepted his invitation.

Of course, art is open to interpretation. A very conservative cop I sometimes communicate with on Twitter posted the Trump ugh shot with the comment: “This looks like the face of a man saying ‘You took your best shot. Now it’s my turn…’ All they’ve done is make him stronger and make us want to support him even more. Get ‘em, Mr. President. Get them all.”

I’m having a hard time understanding how getting arrested and charged with 13 counts in addition to the 80 or so he already faced makes him stronger. I’m also having a difficult time discerning how their “best shot” has now been taken, rather than this being the opening salvo in a precipitous legal battle he now faces in the state of Georgia.

It isn’t fair.

If only they hadn’t gone after him, he wouldn’t be in the position of having to “get them all.”  Not sure what “getting them all” means in this context, but it’s just another item in the laundry list of things this poor beleaguered man has to do to make America great again, again.

I replied to the cop: “Four separate grand juries indicted him on almost 100 counts. He's been found liable for sexual assault. He's defrauded charities, paid hush money. How does somebody in law enforcement still support him?”

The cop did not respond. He shouldn’t have to. Why should he stoop to my level to answer a question that attempts to put all of Trump’s alleged crimes in the context of a policeman’s sworn duty to uphold the law? Honestly, that one was on me and I apologize.

Look what they made me do.

I’m also very concerned about Trump’s ability to get a fair trial. How are they going to find a jury of his peers? He has no peers. They’d have to dig up twelve Mussolinis and even then you might have to disqualify Mussolini because Trump’s peers ought to have big, beautiful heads of transplanted hair. Just more injustice in a system rigged against the wealthy and powerful.

What happens if, God forbid, he gets convicted? What then? What if some bleeding heart liberal judge follows sentencing guidelines that apply to everybody? Is Trump just supposed to report a prison and sit in a cell bereft of gold toilets? That doesn’t seem right. That big ass needs a cushioning non-ferrous metal to support it. And what’s he supposed to eat in there? Do they even have Big Macs in prison?

Have they even considered what would happen if he’s convicted of any of his various crimes before the election, but then wins the election? Will he be allowed to serve his term while he serves his sentence? Maybe. After all, Bill Clinton once called The White House “the crown jewel of the prison system.”? These problems are big and they intractable.

How are we supposed to have a functioning democracy if we’re just going to start charging people who commit crimes? American history is filled with powerful people not being held to account for the outrageous things they do, and now all of the sudden we’re just going to start adhering to the law? Seems like a slippery slope. If only we had just let him steal the election. Ugh.

Honestly, I just feel bad for the guy. It’s not his fault. It’s not anybody’s fault. How are we even to know what “stealing an election” even means? A lot of difficult questions here. And none of them would be an issue if only they hadn’t made him commit so very many goddamned crimes.

Allegedly.