Slimy, Clotted, and Besmucked

Insults have entered the blog! I should know - I wrote them.

Some good news and bad news. The good news is that one of my recent posts was featured on the Substack home page. In my mind, the post was simply a gentle farewell to Europe as I contemplated returning to the States after a long sabbatical with my wife. Yes, there were a couple gentle political critiques, but very mild as far these things go. I was thrilled to be featured and, as a result, I got a bunch of new subscribers. If you are one of those subscribers, thank you very much. If you are one of the new paid subscribers, an even bigger thank you. If you ever need a pint of blood, just ask.

So that was very nice.

The bad news is that several readers felt the need to insult me in the comment section. They did this because I called Nigel Farage “slimy” and because I expressed relief at being free to walk around Europe without fear of being shot. There is, apparently, more overlap between Farage defenders and being shot defenders than I would have imagined, but perhaps it shouldn’t be that surprising since both Brexit fans and gun fans have a penchant for self-inflicted wounds.

Now look, I’ve been on Twitter almost from the beginning so it’s certainly not my first time being taken to task for my politics, but I was hoping that this blog would remain free of that nonsense. The numbers of negative commenters weren’t large, but it was still jarring to be called a whiny idiot on my own blog. I mean, I am a whiny idiot but I was hoping that any such criticisms of me would come from me.

For me, this space is about writing. Hopefully what I write resonates with some of you. If it does, awesome. If it doesn’t, it isn’t compulsory to take to the comment section for the purpose of insulting the author. It isn’t even advisable. Because what will happen is that I will block you, and even though you will put on a brave face about it, you will feel kind of bad. I know because Donald Trump’s sons both blocked me on Twitter and that kind of hurt my feelings even though I am positive I have even less regard for those clotted dishrags than any of you have for me.

Pictured: slimy

The only insults that will be tolerated in this space are the ones that I craft, such as when I called the former president’s son “clotted dishrags” mere moments ago. I don’t even have a clear picture of what a clotted dishrag would even be, but the words sound good together and paint a kind-of upsetting image in my head of a worthless piece of fabric so besmucked with goop that it loses whatever meager purpose it may have once had.

(And here I would like to acknowledge that, in addition to crafting the phrase “clotted dishrag,” I have also just invented the word “besmucked,” which I am going to define as “laden with dried and goopy crust.” See? It’s all about the writing.)

Perhaps the more discerning among you will feel ill at ease with my hypocrisy. Insults for thee, after all, but not for me. But here’s the thing: I am fine with hypocrisy so long as I am the hypocrite. Particularly when the targets of my ire are so very clotted and besmucked. And particularly when I am once again proven absolutely correct about my stance regarding guns after several shootings over the last few days. One person in my comments wrote:

“Yeah, I wondered if I was the only one to notice his disparaging remarks about Nigel. He calls the lack of being able to own a gun, "freedom". How dense can one be.”

You see how he was able to so blithely combine Nigel fandom with gun fandom? Amazing. I did take the time to respond that I wasn’t calling the lack of being able to purchase a firearm freedom, merely the lack of concern about getting shot. It is the freedom to attend a high school football game without fear of being shot. Or shop at a dollar store. Attend a church. Jog. Go to the movies. That’s the kind of freedom I meant, and it is not a freedom we enjoy in these United States of America.

Back to my hypocrisy and the Jacksonville shooting for just a moment: as I often do after these massacres, I took to Twitter and stumbled across a bit of paranoid doggerel from the “Anti-Communist, Pro-Freedom” Rob Smith, who is, apparently, a media personality. I know this because his bio says he is a media personality. Rob wrote:

If you can follow this logic, you are way smarter than me.

A better person than me would have read that, shaken his head, and moved on from the notion that somehow, another Florida Nazi shooting up a Dollar General is some kind of Democratic false flag. But I am not a better person and so I called Rob Smith “a fucking idiot.” Do you see the hypocrisy at play here?

Here I am getting upset when somebody calls me whiny on my blog but I feel the need to call a total stranger a fucking idiot for expressing a completely fucking idiotic take on another mass shooting in this fucking bloodbath we call a nation. Hardly fair of me.

I wouldn’t blame any of you new subscribers if you walked away from this Substack altogether. You came here thinking you were getting, perhaps, a pleasant travelogue and instead find yourself dealing with my potty mouth. Terrible. But if you do decide to walk away, just remember that you’re also walking away from receiving a free pint of blood from yours truly. Those of you in the wider world will almost certainly never need a pint of my blood, but American readers, you better think twice. After all, you never now what might happen when you walk outside the door.