Here's How I Would Run the Russian Coup

Keeping in mind I know nothing about Russia or coups

The current situation in Russia is unfolding quickly and it’s going to take experts like me to sort this thing out. On one side, we’ve got Putin, President of the Russian Federation and Supreme Commander of the Russian armed forces. On the other, a different guy whose name begins with a K and which I otherwise cannot spell. The K Guy runs a private mercenary outfit that supports the regular army. I don’t know why Russia needs a private mercenary outfit but apparently they do and K runs the thing even though he used to run a hot dog stand.

The trouble began when K’s group kept getting beat up by the Ukrainians and also by other Russians for some reason. This pissed him off so he said something like, “You idiots in Moscow (capital of Russia) are screwing everything up and you better stop or I’m going to get pissed off and do something about it.”

Putin’s guys were like, “Shut it, Chef.”

Even though they called him Chef like in The Bear, whose second season was just released on Hulu and which I can’t get because I’m in London and I guess they don’t have Hulu in London, K was still mad, so yesterday he was like, “Time’s up, motherfuckers.”

I don’t think he was deliberately adopting the slogan from the #MeToo movement but you never know because Russians are crafty like that.

So K rounded up a bunch of his best dudes and marched on some city or something and then Putin got on TV, all pissed off and everything and goes, “This is treason, dude.”

Which brings up to date.

Da, Chef.

So what would I do if I was running the Russian coup, keeping in mind that I know nothing about Russia or coups?

First thing I would do is get on TV and tell everybody that Putin blows and if you want to have peace in Russia you need to get right with Chef. Then I’d address the Russian armed forces and be like, “I’m going to Moscow. Get in or go home. But if you fight me, I’m going to smear you on the road like cream cheese. Not even the good kind you might eat with good Russian caviar but the shitty kind of cream cheese like they have in bullshit capitalist USA.”

(Please remember I am roleplaying here and I, Michael Ian Black, do not think American cream cheese is bad.)

Next thing I do is I start shooting people. Doesn’t really matter who. Just start shooting a bunch of people like Scarface to make everybody think I’m a total wackjob because nobody wants to deal with a total wackjob, not even Russians.

Third, I get my tanks together and we start rolling towards the Kremlin. The whole time we’re playing AC/DC as loud as we can. We’re rolling through Russia blasting AC/DC, shooting people like total wackjobs and causing as much trouble as we can. If the Air Force comes after us, we bust out our handheld missiles and ka-BAM! Bye, bye Boris. We post ALL that shit to Instagram.

City after city we come in, we fuck shit up, we get the fuck out. If any civilian gives us trouble, spanking machine. No questions asked. You’re getting run right through the spanking machine. America spanking machines are pretty soft. Not the way me and K would run them. We use open palm and we don’t hold back. Then we send those potato-eaters home with wet eyes and sore butts.

People who cooperate with us get half rations of vodka and copies of Pushkin. I don’t know exactly who Pushkin was but I know he was a Russian writer (poet?) and Russians love that shit even though most of them probably spend more time playing X Box than they do reading the classics. Even so, whose gonna turn down Pushkin? Answer: nobody.

Then we just keep going. If Putin tries any of his typical bullshit, we kick their asses. Private mercenaries are better than public ones because they get paid better, eat better, and they’re there by choice. Plus, we’ve got all the prisoners on our side because I guess that’s how K got his dudes, which seems nuts to me but fuck it, that’s how Chef rolls.

Once we get to Moscow, we’re not even stopping for McDonalds. We’re running right up to Red Square, I’m grabbing the bullhorn and I’m calling Putin out. I’m like, “Bitch, let’s see how good you are at judo now!”

Maybe Putin sends out Steven Seagal or something and I personally kick his ass. Then I say, “I’m going to count to five. If you’re not out by then, I’m coming in.” And I start counting, but I don’t wait to five. I’m sending my guys on three, which would totally surprise Vlad. And if he goes, “You said you were going to count to five!” I’d be like, “All’s fair in love and war. You know who said that? Motherfucking Pushkin!”

Pushkin, who wrote some shit

The truth is, I don’t think Pushkin said that but I really doubt Putin knows what.

Once we get inside the Kremlin, we seize Putin, we run him through the spanking machine (extra hard), then we hang him upside down like they did to Mussolini back in the day. We post all that shit to Instagram. Then I go to the Russian Throne Room, if they have one of those, sit my ass down, and declare myself President of Russia. Everybody cheers and we all drink vodka until we puke.

Nexst we get out of Ukraine, apologize to everybody for the trouble we caused and hold free and fair elections. Just kidding. Then I push my enemies out of windows, consolidate my power, and wait for some other dude to come along and kill my ass in a few years.

Das Vedanya, dickheads.