JD, for the love of country, please put these couch fucking rumors to rest!

There’s a terrible and vicious rumor circulating out there that Republican Vice Presidential nominee once JD Vance fucked a couch. Let me be clear right at the outset: I do not know whether the rumor is true, and I wish we as a nation didn’t feel the need to spend our important time on such silliness. What difference does it possibly make if one of Vice Presidents has a predilection for sofa humping? It doesn’t. So why the conspiracy of silence around this matter? Why does the rumor refuse to die, despite the fact that the Associated Press says it’s “not true.”

When I visited with cartoonist Scott Adams on his podcast a few weeks ago, it was because I wanted to understand his proposition that “all political news is fake.” Scott made some compelling points about how often the mainstream news manipulates and/or outright lies.

To be clear: there is NO hard evidence that this man ever fucked a couch.

When I asked how he’s able to discern truth from fiction, Scott told me he uses common sense and his finely tuned bullshit detector. He is also a highly trained hypnotist and master of persuasion: unfortunately, I don’t possess Scott’s full set of tools when trying to get to the bottom of this JD Vance controversy, but I will do my best to apply what I learned to this story.

First of all, let’s look at the mainstream media, who are either deliberately not covering or, as in the case of the AP, denying it. Which raises the interesting question: how does the AP know he never fucked a couch? While I’ve never done so myself, my impression is that couch fucking is the sort of activity one performs when nobody else is around.

Is it at least plausible that JD Vance made love with a few items of furniture while alone? He’s a healthy thirty-nine-year-old man with a long history of being around furniture. Are we to believe that he was never tempted? Maybe yes, maybe no. So how is the AP so confident in their analysis?

Did they conduct a forensic examination of all of Vance’s furniture, past and present? Did they even interview Vance himself? Obviously, he would deny it but I think forcing the candidate to answer the question would at least give some clarity. Honestly, the best thing he could from a media perspective right now would be to get ahead of the story while he still can. He should hold a press conference on the matter, answering every single question until the press is satisfied.

Unfortunately, even if he does such a press conference, we all know the mainstream media is not to be trusted. Remember: all political news is fake.

Which takes us to common sense. When I use my own common sense, I first ask myself “Does JD Vance seem like the kind of guy who would fuck a couch?” The answer, of course, is yes.

In fact, I’ve never seen anybody who looks more like a couchfucker. Like, a hundred years ago, if I were the editor of the Saturday Evening Post and we were featuring a sentimental story about couch fucking, I would have said to my illustrator, Norman Rockwell, “Norman, for the cover this week, I need you to paint me the face of a man who looks like he could be a stand-in for every single couchfucker in this great nation of ours,” I imagine the portrait I would have gotten back would like exactly like JD Vance, except probably without the eye liner because Republican men didn’t wear eyeliner back in Norman Rockwell’s time.

“Two Men Courting Girl’s Favor” by Norman Rockwell. Notice the excellently rendered davenport.

So yes, he looks like a couch fucker, but so what? In this country we don’t judge a man by his appearance. (Sorry: I should have said we don’t judge a white man by his appearance.) Instead, we look at the content of his character. What do we see when we examine the content of JD Vance’s character?

The first thing we notice is that this is a person willing to say or do anything. Does that include fucking a couch? Well, if he’s willing to run alongside a fellow he once called “America’s Hitler,” I don’t see why he wouldn’t stick his dingus in a nubbly chesterfield.

Next, let’s look at his legislative record. JD Vance once sponsored the “Protect Funding for Women’s Healthcare Act,” an act which sounds good until you realize its entire purpose is to defund Planned Parenthood. Here’s the summary of US S13:

This bill, also known as the "Protect Funding for Women's Health Care Act", intends to discontinue Federal funding to the Planned Parenthood Federation of America, including its affiliates, subsidiaries, successors, or clinics. The text of the bill maintains that the money previously allocated to Planned Parenthood will still support women's health services via other eligible entities. It clarifies that clinics, hospitals, community health centers, and other service providers will continue giving health services such as prenatal care, immunizations, family planning, STD testing, and cancer screenings. The bill also specifies that its provisions will not influence any existing restrictions on abortion funding or reduce the overall Federal funding dedicated to women's health.

There’s some very interesting wording here. Look at the sentence which states that money previously allocated to Planned Parenthood would now to go clinics that support, among other things, “family planning,” a euphemism for birth control. What is the most successful form of birth control? You guessed it. Fucking a couch.

When we look further at his record, we can see a number of bills he has either sponsored or co-sponsored which cover a range of issues from China to catalytic converter theft to authorizing the National Detector Dog Training Center (AKA “Beagle Brigade Act of 2023”). Clearly, this is a man with an omnivorous appetite for policy. Yet, not a single one of his bills would do anything to prevent or make illegal the fucking of couches.

Why?

Is this merely an oversight on Vance’s partner or evidence of something much more sinister?

Again, I don’t know whether JD Vance has ever shot his load into a loveseat. I have no way of knowing that and, frankly, I don’t care. Whether he did or didn’t is his personal business and I don’t see how it would affect his performance as Vice President. But I fail to understand why Vance hasn’t addressed these rumors.

It seems like the simplest thing in the world to release a long-form statement explaining that he has never had sexual relations with a sofa. He should include receipts for all furniture, and allow a congressional committee to examine the furniture currently in his home. These simple steps would go a long way to reassuring the American public that Senator JD Vance, best-selling author and Republican nominee for Vice President of the United States, does not get off on Pottery Barn sectional seating.

If he refuses to take even these simple steps, I see no alternative than to empanel a congressional committee. I hope it doesn’t go that far, but if it does, I demand every person in JD Vance’s life be brought before Congress to testify UNDER OATH whether they have any knowledge of JD Vance having sex with furniture either during his time in office or before.

Now, I’m not naïve. I know these kinds of committees often turn into highly partisan political theater and, believe me, that’s the last thing I want. If it’s looking like we’re going to wind up with some kind of unhinged circus, then I would suggest a Special Prosecutor be appointed with full subpoena power and an unlimited budget. Yes, the investigation might take years and cost millions of dollars, but when the stakes are this high, I don’t see that we have a choice. If JD has nothing to hide, I don’t see why this would be a problem. If he does have something to hide, that would explain the persistence of these rumors, his lack of candor, and his failure to hold a press conference. It would also explain his face.