Leave Kristi Alone!

Leave Kristi alone! America’s favorite dog assassin, Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem, is under fire (no pun intended – ah, who am I kidding? Pun intended) for the murders of Renee Good and Alex Pretti and the subsequent lies – “Domestic terrorist!” “Extremist!” “Wanted to massacre law enforcement!” – issued by her and her department following those very public executions. But guys, it’s totally not her fault! All those mean politicians calling for her impeachment are just jealous of her access to the president and high-quality hair extensions. As Noem herself said, all she was doing was acting under orders from her boss, Donald Trump and his boss, Stephen Miller.

“Everything I’ve done, I’ve done at the direction of the President and Stephen,” said Noem. See? It’s not her fault! It was that imp, Greg Bovino! And the easily-bribable Tom Homan! And those horrible “paid agitators” who are impeding law enforcement by holding them accountable for their abuse. And, if we’re being honest here, it’s Good and Pretti’s fault for exercising their First and Second Amendment rights! Those rights are only to be used when convenient – everybody knows that! If we start respecting people’s rights, that’s going to put a lot of law enforcement out of business. Where are all the former high school football players supposed to get jobs?

Kristi Noem, once on the VP short list, is now being hung out to dry by an administration for nothing more than doing her job. That job is to terrorize people of color in Democratic-run cities and to look cute in various camouflage-themed outfits. Can anybody plausibly argue she hasn’t performed that job to the highest of standards?

Ok sure, two American citizens were shot dead in the streets of Minneapolis. For some reason, whiny libs are upset about it. Somehow, they’ve got the rest of the country convinced that shooting a man ten times while he’s prone on the ground is, somehow, “bad.” Poll numbers are dropping. Even some squishy Republicans are calling for something to be done. So, in the spirit of unity, the administration decided to compromise. They went to FedEx, got a little box, put Greg Bovino in it, and shipped him back to El Centro, California.

Justice served, no?

Apparently not. Even after Trump’s magnanimous gesture, those radical schoolteachers, soccer moms, and baristas are still out on the streets blowing their damned Soros whistles. These people are never satisfied!

Why is everybody so mean?!?

Give them Bovino and they want Noem. Give them Noem and then what? What would they have the administration do? Arrest the ICE agents who murdered Good and Pretti, kick DHS out of Minneapolis, and defund Trump’s secret police force? Then what? Due process? Immigration reform? Respect for the Constitution? One can see how things could spiral out of control.

Which is why we have to hold the line on our Kristi! She’s tough, she’s pouty, and she hates all the right people. Thankfully, good people like the House Freedom Caucus, who are so proud of their little club that its membership rolls are kept secret, sent a letter to the president urging him to invoke the Insurrection Act in order to thwart a “lawless, organized group of Marxists.”

Even if one disagrees with their stance, one has to concede that Alex Pretti was such a devoted Marxist he joined the Boy Scouts, played baseball and football in high school, and became an intensive care nurse during the worst moments of the Covid epidemic. Don’t you get it? He burrowed himself into his community, taking a job helping people, all the while patiently waiting for his hometown to be invaded by the federal government in order to seize the means of production and institute full Communism when the moment was ripe! Thank God Kristi Noem was there to defeat his sinister plot.

As for Renee Good, liberals have been making much of her final words, “I’m not mad at you, dude” to support their position that Renee Good was, somehow, peacefully protesting the kidnapping of her neighbors instead of uttering her obvious sleeper cell activation phrase.

But our Kristi knew better.

Within minutes of Good’s execution, Noem identified the mother of three as a domestic terrorist. There’s been exactly zero evidence to support Noem’s claim, which some idiots believe exculpates Good, but which big-brained folk like the president, Miller, and our Kristi understand is exactly what we should expect from an evil-doer. After all, what domestic terrorist goes around advertising the fact? The absence of evidence is all the evidence we need!

No wonder Good’s final act was to attempt to drive away from the scene in a blatant attempt to force the administration to lie about her motives, resulting into video analysis debunking those claims, thereby inflicting maximum embarrassment on the regime. Classic domestic terrorist move.

Thankfully, after a couple anxious days, our Kristi’s employment now appears as secure as the southern border. She’s doing “a very good job,” said the president, adding that he does not expect her to step down. The happily married Noem and her second-in-command, the equally-married-and-very-much-NOT-boyfriend-of-Noem, Cory Lewandowski will remain in their posts. The harassment and brutalization will continue until morale improves.

They’re murdering folks on the streets of our cities. Thank God we’ve got a true American patriot like Kristi Noem there to defend the indefensible. Our DHS Secretary isn’t afraid to tell it like it is, even when it isn’t. Scratch that - especially when it isn’t. No evil empire can long stand without a loyal phalanx of propagandists to keep the lies flowing. Noem is perfectly suited to her job. Leave Kristi alone!