Puma Sneakers are the Best

Fight me

With apologies to Run-DMC, Puma sneakers are the best. These other brands – the behemoths: Nike, Adidas, Reebok, New Balance – those brands are hot garbage. Not because the sneakers are bad per se, but because they’re not Pumas, which are the best. Take Nike, for example. How many billions do they spend on commercials every year? Many billions. How many billions does Puma spend on commercials? To my knowledge, almost zero billion. When was the last time you saw a commercial for Puma? Adidas: signing up athletes left and right. Which athletes are represented by Puma? I can’t think of one. Reebok: aerobics and middle school. New Balance: guys who want to “let loose” on Casual Fridays. Puma is the perfect sneaker for attractive men like me who don’t want to look like we’re trying too hard.

Look at these here Pumas on my feet. Do they look orthopedic? Sure. Until you see that smooth orange stitching and you’re like, “Michael Ian Black has some gaaaame.” And you would be right to think that. Not because I do have game but because the sneakers are meant to convince you that I do. This is a sneaker that says, “I’m not flashy but I know a thing or two about a thing or two.”

Sizzlin’!

These Pumas aren’t going to make me run faster, jump higher, or set a personal best in the hammer throw. What they are going to do is keep my feet warm and comfortable at a reasonable price. You want to know how much I paid for these sneakers? Like, sixty bucks. That’s a good price for a pair of sneakers with this much swerve.

Maybe you think I only bought one pair of Pumas at the Outlet Center the other day. Wrong! I bought two. Because it was “buy one, get the other half off.” These are the other ones. Do they look like the visual representation of recess time at the preschool? Yes they do. That’s ok by me; they convey a lively je ne sais quoi, an insouciant flair that tells the observer that I’m a guy who will order two appetizers at the local Houlihan’s even though I’ve also got a full entrée coming

Recess!

I got into Pumas when I stepped into a sneaker store and realized that every shoe they sold looked like something out of Who Framed Roger Rabbit. They were all oversized, overstuffed, too high on the ankle, and garish. All of them seemed designed to make me believe I am more athletic than I am, or they’re marketed to trick me into thinking I can become more like my athlete than I can. The fact is, I don’t want to look like LeBron James more than I already do. But there, in some dusty corner, I found the Puma section. There they were, simple and classic in design. The 1977 BMW 3 Series of sneakers. I mean, look at this car.

Now look at these sneakers:

See the resemblance? Probably not. That’s ok. In my mind, the analogy makes a lot of sense.

Another thing about Pumas I appreciate: sturdy shoelaces. I’ve had that raggedy pair above for three years. Never broke a lace. Sure, sometimes the heel comes a little loose and I have to glue it back on but that’s not Puma’s fault. It’s mine, because I do so many martial arts that it wears out my shoes. What kinds of martial arts? All of them.

So you sneakerheads can keep right on keepin’ on with your closets full of fancy-ass, limited edition designer sneakers. All of you who invested thousands in Yeezys are getting exactly what you deserve. As for you skater rats: you can have your Vans. All you mall walkers can keep your New Balance. I suppose somebody is buying Reeboks, but I don’t know who so I’m not going to make fun of that person. As for me, I’m going to rock my Pumas. So yeah, I look like somebody’s dad. Well guess what? I am somebody’s dad. That’s exactly what’s happening over here! But I also have a small amount of disposable income and a moderate retirement fund that won’t get me through my golden years if I live much past, say, 70. Which is why I’m going for the “two for one” deal at the Outlet Center! You think I can afford to look “good”? Hell no. But with Pumas, I look close enough to good. And that’s close enough for me.