Some Good Stuff

I’ve been a bit of negative Nelly over the last few days, disparaging both the Super Bowl AND the Grammy Awards over the span of 48 hours and, in the process, most likely upsetting many people. I apologize. I am NOT a negative Nelly in general, with the caveat that I am, in fact, exactly one. Even so, I am trying to be a better, more supportive person and so I am going to write a few words in praise of some stuff that make life worth living here on planet Earth, beginning with Kellogg’s Frosted Mini Wheats.

• Kellogg’s Frosted Mini Wheats are the best of all possible frosted mini wheats. If you’ve tried other, lesser brands, you know that Kellogg’s has somehow perfected the balance of texture, sweetness, and size. However many billions they spent on R&D up there in Battle Creek, Michigan was well worth it. You can eat them for breakfast or you can just grab a handful and pretend you’re going hiking somewhere. You’re obviously not going hiking because why would you, but all that fibrous wholesomeness gives you the feeling that you are, and that’s what counts.

God, they’re gorgeous.

• Tetherball. Imagine a game where you can work up a good sweat without having to run. That’s tetherball! There should be tetherball sets (courts?) on every playground in this nation. There should be pro tetherball and Olympic tetherball and a tetherball commission and there should be a full-immersion tetherball app for that virtual reality thing that Apple put out because I’m not spending $3500 on anything unless tetherball is part of the deal.

• Clean socks and underwear. I don’t care what you’ve been through. I don’t care if you haven’t eaten or slept or you just back from an exstended Kellogg’s Frosted Mini Wheats hike. If you’re feeling down, throw on some clean socks and underwear. Life changing. Something about having your filthy butt pressed against a pair of clean drawers, your disgusting feet nestled in a downy soft pair of fresh socks. Man oh man, that’s a little slice of heaven right there.

• The key change in “Livin’ On a Prayer.” When I was in high school in New Jersey in the 1980’s, Bon Jovi ruled the world. I hated him. I mean, of course I hated him. He was a lion-maned cornball rocker and I was a sensitive emo kid. But after JBJ’s told us about Tommy working down on the docks and Gina telling him to hold on to all they’ve got, after the third time she’s reassured him that it doesn’t make a difference if they make it or not, after Sambora rips out his wicked-ass guitar solo, JBJ launches into the chorus again, but this time he kicks it up a step. Suddenly, we’re in a whole new key and I get chills every time because, for the first time, I truly believe that Tommy and Gina are going to make it after all.

• Venus fly traps. It’s a plant that eats meat. Talk about turning the tables!!!

• People who actually know what the fuck they’re talking about. Is there anything more pleasurable than listening to somebody who actually knows what the fuck they’re talking about? You know, like an expert. I know expertise has become a devalued commodity over the last decade or so but I still think there’s something awesome about a person who cared enough about a subject to take the time to learn all the can about it and are happy to share that passion when asked. (If they aren’t asked and still insist on talking about their field of expertise then I don’t like them because that’s just being a show-off and nobody likes a show-off.) It almost doesn’t matter it is: stamps, traffic patterns, animal husbandry. Doesn’t matter. In a world where everybody acts like they know everything, it’s great when somebody actually knows what the fuck they’re talking about.

• Motorcycles jumping over buses. With the X Games and Red Bull Sports and all the other extreme nonsense going on out there, I’m feeling nostalgic for motorcycles jumping over buses. It’s so simple. You get a couple ramps, throw a few buses between them and then you jump your motorcycle over the buses. Maybe you want to make it harder? No problem. Throw a couple more buses out there. We don’t need Superman Seat Grabs or Twisty McTitties or whatever young people call their fancy tricks. It’s too much. What this country needs, more than anything, is a guy in a white leather jumpsuit and cape flying his motorcycle over some goddamned buses.

Nothing else on this planet is worth mentioning.